my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
