I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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