its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
