A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
