Im at strip club and am horny
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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