i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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