You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
