I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
