turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
