She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
