Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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