K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
