woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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