I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
