party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
