I just gift wrapped bread.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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