Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
