Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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