Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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