I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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