FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
