remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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