walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize