Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
