so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize