Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
