you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
