you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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