I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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