I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
