i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
