I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize