sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
