Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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