i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize