Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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