I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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