i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
