We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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