Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
