got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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