I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
