Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
