Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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