Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
