I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
