One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
