I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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