I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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