her vagine was all disorganized.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
