Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
