this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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