my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
cat food counts as protein by the way
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize