My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
