just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
