That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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