so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
