Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
