im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
