I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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