I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
