dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
a search helicopter?!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize