I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
